This started out as a kernel of an idea and became increasingly angry and increasingly ranty the further on it went. It also ended up getting pretty explicit so I’ll just, uh, I’ll just put it down there underneath a link.

Maybe it has a point. Maybe. It was mostly inspired by that news story about those folks who wanted to outlaw fornication. Sex is terrifying and dangerous!

Mary and Laura were having something of a disagreement. Or rather, Mary had an idea and was aggressively disagreeing with herself on Laura’s behalf while they waited for a bus. Mary had put together a hefty document outlining all the reasons why pre-marital carnal relations should be outlaw on pain of lots of pain and she was on her way to present it to her MP, with hopes it would be law by tomorrow. Laura just wanted to go to the Post Office.

Laura had expressed no opinion or position on Mary’s idea, but that hadn’t been good enough for Mary so she’d supplied the arguments for her. She did that a lot. Brimming with fury that someone wouldn’t disagree with her Mary had launched off almost the moment Laura hadn’t said anything. She had continued in that vein since. It had only been five minutes, though for Laura it felt much, much longer.

“If people who aren’t married can just meet up, have sex and then carry on with their lives what’s to stop me from going out and just murdering a child?” Mary asked.

“Basic human decency?” Laura ventured, quietly enough to biting, loudly enough it wouldn’t be missed. Mary chose not to have her ears hear this. She only had time to listen to things she’d thought up arguments against.

“Do you hate children? Why would you want me to kill children? What kind of a monster are you? If I killed all the children then humanity would be extinct. Why do you want humanity to be extinct? You’re a monster.”

Laura couldn’t think of an adequate response to this. She wasn’t even sure there was an adequate response to this. She decided to be quiet and hope that when the bus finally did arrive it’s brakes failed and it ploughed through the stop taking both her and Mary with it.

“Children are the future, you know! Not just some stick to beat people with to advance an agenda I’ve constructed with children as afterthought! How dare you insinuate such a thing!” Mary said. She then realised she’d just answered a point no-one had made. Thankfully, no-one else had been looking. Still, best to push on she felt, taking a breath.

“Protection of the children is the primary motivating factor behind this. Right now, my children are forced to watch unmarried couples having sex every night. I break into their houses and drill holes in their bedroom walls and hold my dear children’s heads in place to make sure they don’t turn away! They say to me ‘Mummy please! We want to watch cartoons!’ and I say ‘No! You will watch the morals of society decay in real-time as consenting adults engage in a natural act!’. Usually about that point the couples notice and we have to run, but I think I’ve made my point! It’s disgusting! It’s eating away at the very fabric of civilization!”

Laura was using this time – and her keys – to carve a plaintive message on the glass of the bus stop. It might be the last thing she left in the world, so she was trying to make it deep and meaningful.

“I also have strong feelings about The Gays,” Mary said. Laura did not find this especially surprising. She had a suspicion she would shortly hear what these strong feelings involved. She started carving her message faster, fearing it might all end soon. Hoping it would all end soon.

“I have nothing against them, of course. I just have a deep-seated, perfectly rational and understandable revulsion of them. I also spend considerable time thinking about the mechanics of how I imagine they have sex and let me tell you, in my head it is is DISGUSTING. Anyway. Can you imagine what sort of world we’re living in where two well-adjusted adults with who share genitals can live together? How can they be expected to raise a child? I mean, they may be sensible and have full-time employment and care for the child and look after them and have them healthy and educated but…you know…they both have penises. It’s sick. What about the children? It’s all about the children, by the way. Did I mention that? Look at these diagrams I made,” Mary said, showing off her diagrams.

It went without saying that her diagrams were obscene and unnecessary, not to mention physically impossible in several places. Laura could only dare to glance once, and was disturbed by the prevalence of plumbing-based imagery she saw. Laura wondered who that might be a convincing argument for and immediately decided it was no-one she would ever want to meet. She was deeply relieved when Mary closed the file again.

“What about lesbians?” Laura asked, her mouth posing the question before her brain could stop it. It had just seemed a curiously obvious admission. Mary blinked. She really hadn’t stopped to consider lesbians. Given she had difficulty picturing their sexual practises she found it hard forming an unhealthy and inaccurate picture of them, even if she knew she shouldn’t like them on principle. Gay men had too much penis in their relationship, gay women too little – it was pretty simple stuff.

“Do lesbians have anal sex?” Mary asked. Laura stared into infinity for a moment before answering. She hoped the void would swallow her. It did not, and so she had to reply:

“There’s nothing stopping them, I guess.”

“Hmm. Okay. I could learn to have nothing against them too then, I suppose…” Mary said, nodding to herself. She could make that work. She already had a parade of ghastly images in her mind now and it made her feel much better about disliking an entire subset of people for imaginary reasons.

“It’s all for the children. And civilization in general, really, but children are part of that. Why do you hate children? Anyway. Haven’t you noticed how bad things are these days? Crime! Poverty! Disease! Social upheaval! These things never used to happen! Everything was static and perfect until comparatively recently and since then things have only got worse! We have to return to the values and morals that existed around me roundabout the time I was born. Those were obviously the best.”

By this point Laura had got up and left. The agony had been too much. So much, in fact, she had decided that walking to the Post Office wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Mary watched her go but refused to acknowledge that she’d left and carried on talking, a beatific smile spreading across her face.

“And then, once society has hewed close to these rules that I – that a higher power than myself, rather, not me, I’m merely a conduit – have decided then everything will be fixed and it’ll be sunny and happy and all the saints and all the angels will come down and we’ll have a picnic and everything will be beautiful and lovely and peaceful and lovely forever and ever.”

She kept smiling until a trio of buses eventually showed up.

The MP wasn’t holding surgery that day.



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